The Shaffer Journal
Volume 5 Issue 9 September 1999
[Internet Stuff] [Hockey Puck] [Guest Meows! Cat Chat 1 2 3 4]
[The Mountains of Ao] [Poetry Corner] [The Dull Stuff] [Guest Articles] [In The Keys]

Kitty Talk
These journals are dedicated to Kitty GreyCat's spirit. She is at RainBow Bridge now. We all loved you, Kitty! Click the cat graphic to visit her Memorial page. Kitty born June 6, 1982. Died July 9, 1997.

I am Ebony the queen boss cat. We gots lots of interesting fings to meow about and plenty guest stuffers. We meow you gonna wike it. Hare now is all birfdays, anniversaries, and holidazes: Aunt Rosie birthday October 8, Columbus Day 11th, National Boss Day 16th, and Halloween 31st.

Diss is Abby, I fink sumfing bit me. I scratched and scritched till I got a hotspot on me neck. Dee vet bean gabe me sum medicine dat helps. I gotta wear an old sock around me neck to keep me from scratching. Human bean finks he invented sumfing special, but I just fink it aggravating. But dat not dee worse fing to happen. I was outside watching Ebony hunting lizard. I hoping to get me sum lizard furr meshelf. Ebony got one and den let me sneak off wif it when Ebony not wooking. I was habing loads ub fun till dat nasty lizard clamped done on me paw. I shake my paw, but lizard not come off. I bite at dee lizard and it clamped on me whiskers. Yikes! I shake me head and pawed at dee lizard till it let go. Lizards are better furr eating dan playing wif what I learn!

I is Ebony and noses about lizard clamping. Day can be a nuisance furr sure. I could stay out all day and all night hunting furr lizards and caterwauling at udder cats, but human bean want me inside. I object when he come to get me. I hiss at him, paw swipe him, and eben growl and bite him some. Dat bean not give up doe. He take me inside. I just sleep and eat till next time I can go outside. I like to sleep up high, like in a cabinet. Dee udder day I was seeping up dare in one. It might nice. I had some catnip. I rolled on me back catnapping and dreaming. Den I rolled right out ub dee cabinet onto dee floor. I not hurt but it was a surprise to me. And, you nose, sumtimes cats not land on dare feets.

I Abby watch when Ebony gets to running in dee fifth wheel travel trailer. She runs up and down and back again. I not noses why. She just do it. I fink she habbing a happiness attack. I wike chasing her but she will take it personal sometimes and paw slap at me. She hisses something gruesome too. But all in all we cats lead a nice life full of catnip and sweet dreams full ub fried mousies.

Now me Ebony nose where dee catnip is kept. It in a box sent by Ren's human bean to just us. No human beans allowed, I meow. Ren is my furrfriend. We paw to each udder across the continent using ICQ fingee on dee internet fingeee both of which Ren nor I noses anyfing about. Dat otay causing we mysterious cats who can melt dee hearts of human beans and stuffers wike dat dare. Ren and I been carrying on a daily meow session for days and days now. It purrrrrrr cat fun too. Aldoe human bean complain about furr in our keyboard. I not minded, but catpooter not wike it. Well, I done cat meowed all use to kitty heaven so I finish my caterwauling and meow bye bye . . . 

Internet Stuff
What's new on our webs? We got the front page all setup and have filled out all the entry page sections on www.RunesofAo.com. The commercial side is called AlphaOmega Bookstore & Publisher [AOB&P] which is a combo of NetPublishers www.digital3.net/NetPublishers/ and the old but updated AlphaOmega BookStore www.geocities.com/maniac77.geo websites. We are working on some infrastructure pages trying to get those completed before we add new artwork from three new artists. They are novelists and poets who are eager to get published. New AOB&P franchises are coming online throughout the Internet. The old Runes of Ao site at www.geocities.com/les_novelist is getting leaner and meaner pages using FrontPage 2000 to add advertising and navigation to each page quickly and easily. Ebony and Abby sites www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/Glade/8420 and www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Breakers/5493 will also get reworked and more attention very soon. Our millennium webs are at URLs www.geocities.com/Heartland/Grove/7588 and www.geocities.com/Athens/Pantheon/4098. We intend to add some unique artwork to these pages as soon as we can. We have been working on artists and franchisee contracts off and on all month. Our sites have remained very busy but also lots of fun.

At one time we couldn't find enough good things to say about GeoCities which is now Yahoo!GeoCities, but lately the free home page and search engine services have taken a nose dive for satisfying their customers. The servers are slow and return errors at the drop of the modem connection. Customer reward programs are being replaced with advertiser satisfaction programs. I fear there will be few customers to benefit from the new, improved advertising programs that Yahoo!GeoCities seem to like so very much.

Guest Articles
J. Anita Wilson is an up and coming poet who paints wordart with elegant, simple strokes. Please enjoy her poetry here with several excellent poems.

"Gaia's Cry"

Do you see the oceans rising?
It is our planet Gaia crying
For the misuse that is made of her

Crying, for the destruction of herself
Crying, for the greed that allows it
Crying, for the weak who let it happen
Crying, for the thoughtless who don' t care
Crying, because in order to protect herself

She might have to destroy humankind

Take heed humanity!
Gaia can survive without you
Animals can survive without you
Trees and plants can survive without you

But humankind can' t survive without Gaia!

"The last Koala"

Once I was one of many
Living happily and free
Eating eucalyptus leaves
In my favorite tree

Once I had many cousins
We lived in a colony
Spending our lives dozing
Now there is only me

There is only one tree left
Humans took the best
Chainsaws and big dozers
Took away the rest

Humans need many houses
They do not each need a tree
Once we were so plentiful
Now, only lonely me

“Rainbow Angels”

© 1999 J. Anita Wilson

"Ebony and Abby"
© 1999 G. Cunningham aka Jaycee...

These are two friends I have met
And we like to chat here on the net

They are spoilt this I know
Because they often tell me so

It is to the doctor for Abby today
So the sore will go away

Ebony is black and Abby is white
They hunt all day but stay in at night

It is sad for me to end our chats
For they are very special cats

In The Keys
We have changed the title of this regular article to more reflect the wide-ranging topics addressed here. We will still give you news about and for our In The Park fans, but our emphasis will be on the Florida Keys. Our thanks to Gulfstream Trailer Park & Marina for the idea.

Currently in our fair city of Marathon, a debate grows over whether or not to incorporate. Those with the county of Monroe here in the Florida Keys try to insinuate every form of disaster and financial ruin should we decide for incorporation. The truth is that things will likely not change much. We will still be taxed. Those taxes will still be spent frivolously. One important consequence of incorporation is that at least we could have some form of control over our own misery. Plus the dollars will all stay in Marathon. Now much of the money taxed on Marathon leaves Marathon and is at the mercy of Monroe County. I will pick the lesser of two evils and vote for incorporation. May the powers that be strike me with lightning now or send flowers if you like later.

On a brighter note, things are quiet. You can successfully turn left onto US 1, a highway of love. Children are back in school. Lobsters are really good this season. Sunsets are even better. I don't know why, but they are. The grass is green. Some sour notes are lots of skitters and those itty bitty nats. Hurricane Floyd did miss us but also made us feel guilty because of all the heartache it produced up north. Hurricane Gert still blows in the north Atlantic, but you know more are coming. Even tropical storm Harvey was most unwelcome with winds and rain we did not want. I even had to put my awning up. That is a most awful chore too!

Last and not the least, I have now supplied all four Marathon bookstores with five novels each. So for all those who asked if it was in a bookstore near you, I can honestly say a resounding yes. It is also in our beloved library next to the sheriff's substation. That reminds me, I renewed my merchant occupational license at the tax office next to the sheriff. There is something about that arrangement that should send us all a message. You know, the sheriff and the tax collector right next to each other and all. It certainly looks to be a bad omen.

Poetry Corner
"Living Never the Same"
September 23, 1999

Nothing but a feeling
Emotions so appealing
Suffered through regret
Mere mention of words

These thoughts a picture
The stress so sinister
Hearing but denied
What you see and feel

Believe words still
When they were
Full of life and the thrill
Yet only words they were

Pictures in the mind
Snarled and full of air
Struggling in the dark
Claimed from a feeling

Lonely the sound
Uttered but never heard
The crying bittersweet
The words of the skilled

O, but a moment
Feeling and living
Never knowing
Never thinking

Just a thought
Here but gone
Emotions claimed
Living never the same . . . 

Hockey Puck
Mario Lemieux finally was approved as the new owner of the Pittsburgh Penguins. The hall of famer is the first professional athlete to ever own the team he formerly played for. Given the fire power of this club coupled with savvy ownership, they could be celebrating another world championship in a season or two. One can only hope to see such excitement when they skate their first game with Mario as the new owner. History will be made.

Preseason has started. There are no games on television unless I missed the listing. Even the Florida Panther's website is not fully online yet. They will be the first day of the season. Then the full televised schedule goes into effect. I used to be able to go to every game as a season-ticket holder. I can't do that now since I live too far away from the arena. I prefer paradise in the Keys vice in the arena!

Guest Meows!
This is Larry for Ariel. She and her two cats, Harry and Emily, gave us some wonderful Cat Chat articles this month. We are gratified that we can offer this regular article about some wonderful cats and their human bean with visits by a dragon! Please visit the Memorial Page for Ariel's mother. Click the cat wagging its tail graphic to visit their net home. Thank you. Now here is Harry and Emily with Cat Chat:

Cat Chat 9-1-99
Mom In Trouble

Emily: So, well, Harry finally shut up...

Chester: And not a moment too soon! Heehee!

Harry: Yous two promised yous wasn't gonna be mean to me this time!!

Emily: We's not gonna be mean! We jus had to start dat way to splain what's bin happnin.

Harry: Humph! OK. If yous say so...

Emily: So yous would tink dat wif Harry finally bein quiet and stuffers...

Chester: And just in time to keep from being thrown out too!

Harry: Hey!

Chester: Heehee!

Emily: Dat tings would be settled down cozy an nice in our home. What wid two beans to wait on us an feed us an stuffers like dat dar. But ohhh, no! Now Mom's being da noisy one, an Claws an Tails is she sowwy!

Harry: Yeah, Girlfriend isn't mad, xactly, but she isn't happy neither! See, the thing is, Mom snores! Mweheehee!

Emily: Course we's already nosed dat, but it didn't bother us none. But it sure bothers Girlfriend fur sure. She's not used to stuff bein noisy when she sleeps. She come from a real quiet house, wid no kitties or nothin to bother her.

Harry: Our house fur sure is a way big change fur her. We don't unerstand why she can't sleep with noisy stuffers. Noisy stuffers is always goin on, but we all always sleep right through it!

Chester: Mom says she could sleep through a nuclear explosion!

Emily: I don't nose what a nuke-leer splosion is, but I figure it's somethin real real loud. It would hab to be, cause Grandpa bean is real loud when he come ober, stompin round like men alays does, and running da lawn mower monster when we is all cat nappin. An Mom sure can sleep through that just fine!

Harry: Girlfriend can't, tho. She be a more delicate kinda bean. So, anyways, Mom, she'd always snored a little, and Girlfriend, she would touch Mom real soft, or give her a little nudge and Mom would stop. But then this week last, Mom started up snoring up like a buzzsaw! An no matter what Girlfriend did, Mom didn't stop no way no how! She would even wake up!

Emily: She were pretty loud, I meow! It were furry funny. Mom say it's maybe cause it be that time ub da month. I don't nose what dat means atall!

Chester: I don't either. But I know Mom was snoring really really loud, because I could even hear her in here! The first night it happened, Girlfriend tried coming in here to sleep on the couch. But she said Emily pinned her legs down and she couldn't move, and because of that she couldn't sleep!

Emily: Alays blamin stuffers on us kitties! She like me to lie on her! She just bein a fussy kinda bean!

Harry: No, she's jus furry delicate. Sides, yous does weigh bout ten tons, you do. Yous fat like a tick!

Emily: Am not! I's jus da right size fur a kitty like me!

Chester: Yeah, a kitty that eats too much! Heeheeheee!

Emily: Yous mean, Chester. Ifn yous don't stop sayin dat, I's gonna hide all da chocolate!

Chester: That's OK. Girlfriend will get it back for me.

Emily: Humph!

Harry: Well, like we were saying, Girlfriend tried sleeping on da couch, but that didn't work, so then she went back to her house fur a couple of days and slept and slept. Then when she come back, she and Mom went out and got these big mysterious packages and took them off to the back room. They wouldn't let us see what they was, either!

Chester: I heard Mom saying they were making an extra bed thingy for when Mom snores.

Emily: A bed? In da back room? But dat room belong to us! An I habn't seen no bed back dar atall! But I hab seen dat sometime in da evenin Mom or Girlfriend close da door there, an we can't get into our room. Dat's not fair one little bit. (pouting)

Harry: I haven't she hide nor hair of any bed either, and I've been checking the back room real regular-like.

Chester: I've seen it! It's all rolled up and tied up with a string and put up on the spare desk.

Emily: What! Mom and Girlfriend hab a bed an day isn't sharing it wid us!! Dat's jus plain wrong! Don't day nose dat eberyting in dis house belong to us?

Chester: That's the point, I think. They don't want you cats to claim the new spare bed.

Harry: Well, ifn it's in this house, it's ours! Mom nose that! Anyways, ifn Mom was making all that noise, how come Girlfriend didn't threaten to throw her out ifn she didn't stop, like they did me? Huh? Tell me that!

Chester: Humans don't sleep outside like cats do. Besides, you know that Mom thinks this is her house.

Emily: She nose no such ting! It's ours, an she nose dat be da truth! Da beans are jus here to wait on us an take care of us a scratch and brush us. Other wise there would be no use to habin beans atall!

Chester: No, that's not the way humans think. Mom says she pays the bills, so it's her house, and we just live here. She knows you cats think you own the house...

Harry: We do!

Chester: Of course you do. Actually we all do. But humans, they're funny people. They like to think they're running the show, even when they know they're not. So, because of that kind of thinking, there wouldn't be any way that Girlfriend would throw Mom out to sleep outside. It just isn't done.

Emily: I'b heard ub husband beans sleepin in da dog house! Heehee!

Chester: True, but we don't have a doghouse. And besides, if most husbands are anything like the unhusband was, they deserve it. Mom isn't like that at all. She's a good human. She just happens to snore sometimes.

Harry: Well, that's true. She is a purrty good mom. But she should nose better bout who is in charge round here.

Emily: But you didn't get thrown out anyway, so why is yous complaining?

Harry: Cause it just isn't fair! They shouldn't have different rules fur us then fur them. And they sure shouldn't have no secret bed what we can't get on!

Emily: I gree wid dat absal-utility! But what can we do? Mom's alays puttin stuffers up where we can gets to it, an closin doors so as we can't get into places.

Harry: Oh! I nose! We just have to wait til Chester is big enuff to open door knobs! He's getting into the catfood cupboard purrty good. It shouldn't be long atall til he can open up that back room door when Mom and Girlfriend close it, and then we can go and claim that bed!

Emily: Oh, Harry, yous is so smart! Dat's jus what we will do. We's can be patient til Chester is bigger. Us kitties is good at bein patient-like!

Chester: Even better, when I can open door knobs, I can get in to where the chocolate is! I hope I start growing faster soon.

Harry: Me too! The sooner yous big enuff to open door knobs, the sooner we get that bed! Mweheehee!!!

Emily: An moon mousies too! Chester, I'm gonna go right now an get Girlfriend to gib yous some extra chocolate so yous can grow faster!

Chester: Ummm.Yum! I can feel myself growing already. I'll get those doorknobs open in no time! Won't Girlfriend and Mom be surprised then! Heeheehee!

Cat Chat 9-7-99

Sissy's Puter

Emily: Mom is all atwitter and atwatter cause her sisfur bean finally got herself a puter!

Harry: Mom's been trying to talk Sissy into getting a puter fur many many moons. They talked and talked and talked bout it. Mom kept telling Sissy's husband bean that if Sissy had a puter, the long distance charges would go down.

Emily: See, Sissy bean, she live down at da beach, an we lives up here in da mountains, an it be what day call long distance fur dem to call each de oder. An course day can't jus talk fur a few minutes. Day talk fur hours an hours and den Sissy's husband bean, he gets all upset cause da phone bill is too high! Heehee!

Chester: Emily's laughing because the phone calls haven't stopped. Sissy is using Mom for tech support! Mom even heard Sissy's husband say, "I thought this was going to lower the phone bills!" Heeheehaha!

Harry: Mom even thought fur a few days that she might have to go down to her sisfur's house and show her how to use the silly thing...

Chester: Computers aren't hard to use, as long as you don't crash them!

Harry: Yeah, but yous think that cause yous a special puter dragon, and get to watch Mom using it alla time. Sissy hasn't never been near a puter before.

Chester: Well, that's true. But Sissy is so funny! One day she'll be all excited because she's figured out how to do something. The next day she'll be ready to throw the thing in the pond! I guess that's like when Mom kept threatening to throw that old junky scanner in the creek.

Emily: I nose what a creek is, but what is a pond? I mean, I guess it must be somethin watery. Is it jus like a bigger creek?

Harry: Silly Em! You don't nose what a pond is?

Emily: How is I sposed to nose dat? Da only watery tings I eber seen hab been da baftub an da creek!

Harry: Oh, well, of course you wouldn't nose then. A pond is...um...it's...Chester, why don't yous splain it.

Chester: (smiling behind his claw) A pond is sort of like a creek, only it's roundish instead of long, and the water doesn't run as fast. And it usually has ducks and geese out it.

Harry: Egg-xactly! That's just what I was gonna say!

Emily: Sure, Harry! Yous didn't nose what a pond were eider. OK, Chester, I can pitchur a roundish creek sorta, but what is ducks an geeses?

Harry: Ducks and geeses are big big birds what swim on the water. Even I nose that!

Emily: (long blank stare) Yous mean day take bafs in da pond like beans do in da baftub??

Chester: (chuckling) No, no. They just swim on top of the water, and then they stick their heads under the water to catch bugs and fish to eat.

Emily: (eyes wide with wonder) Day do?? Day like doin dat??

Chester: I guess so. It's what they do, anyway.

Emily: I'd like to see dem ducks an geeses. I like boidies...heehee!

Chester: These are very big birds, Emily. They're even bigger than you!

Harry: And that's purrty big, I meow!

Emily: (paw-whapping Harry) Shut up, yous! I nose what yous is getting at! I'd still like to see dem. We has big boidies in our yard, but I don't think day is any of dem bigger dan me.

Harry: You've seen geeses before, Em. They's those big boidies what fly squawking cross the sky.

Emily: Lots of boidies fly squawkin cross da sky!

Harry: Yeah, but these are them what don't fly in a big messy flock. The fly in a line thingy.

Chester: A "V" formation.

Harry: Yeah! What Chester said.

Emily: Oh! Yeah, I seen dem. Day don't look so big up in da sky.

Chester: Believe me, they are very big down on the ground.

Emily: If they be dat big, I bet they is all juicy an good to eat! How come day don't neber come an land on our yard?

Chester: You'd never catch one, even if they did. They'd peck at you!

Emily: Like dem blue jays does? I don't like dat atall. Crows is better, cause da might peck some, but day don't dive-bomb yous like dem jays. An crows I can catch!

Harry: I thought we were talking bout Sissy's puter. How come we're talking bout crows and stuffers now?

Chester: Because of the pond Sissy was going to throw her new puter in.

Harry: Oh, yeah, that's right! Well, anyways, she didn't. At least not yet. And Mom is real happy that she and her sisfur can e-mail back and forth at each the other.

Emily: Mom jus has to keep tellin Sissy dat she will catch on to playin wid da puter, so as Sissy won't throw it aways in da pond. (long pause) Do yous tink dat ducks and geeses would eat a puter ifn it got throwed in da pond?

Chester: If they did that, they'd be too heavy to fly!

Harry and Emily look at each other.

Emily: Are yous tinkin what I's tinkin?

Harry: That ifn we throw our puter into the creek the geeses would come down and try to eat it...

Emily: An then day couldn't fly away...

Harry: And we'd have a geese dinner! Yum!

Chester: Wait a minute! If you do that, Mom will throw both of you in the creek! And leave you out there too!

Harry: Yous probably right. (sigh)

Emily: Yeah, I guess we's jus gonna hab to settle fur crows. Oh, well, I were a fun idea to tink bout anyways. Maybe if Sissy gets tired of her puter, she can bring it up here and throw it in our creek.

Chester: I wouldn't hold your breath on that one! Silly cats!

Harry: It wouldn't hurt to ask her, tho. I'll meow to Mom to ask her next time she e-mails at Sissy.

Emily: Dat's a good idea, Harry. Ifn dar's one ting us kitties nose fur sure, it's dat it neber hurts to ask fur what yous want, eben ifn you don't neber get it!

Harry: Truer words was never meowed, Em. Even ifn we's don't get Sissy's puter to catch a geese with, we might at least get some Yum-yums!

Emily: Yeah! Let's go meow to Mom right now!

Chester: I'm going to stay right here and make sure you two don't decide to make off with this puter! (shaking head as the cats run out of the room) At least I'm getting big enough to guard it good now!

Cat Chat 9-15-99
Noisy Makers

Harry: Well! Yous shoulda heard all da noisy noise that our crazy neighbors have been making!

Chester: I thought we were under attack, like in the movies!

Emily: It were furry horrible. Jus boom! And then boom again. And then, jus when yous tink it be all ober, boom again! An it went on an on an on an on!!

Chester: Mom says it's because it's pheasant season here...

Harry: Yeah, but that don't give them no right to make all that booming noise!

Emily: An day don't eben share da peasant boidies wid us! An after all day puts us true!

Harry: See, the thing is, what's been happening is that our neighbors, they are real country folks, yous nose, what Mom calls rednecks, I don't nose why...

Chester: The term redneck comes from the fact that country people have generally been farmers, and working in the fields makes the backs of their necks red. It's now slipped into the common vernacular and is used as both a slur and a point of pride. As the country folk have been known to say: "Redneck an prowwwed uv it!"

Emily: Teehee!

Harry: Mr. Encyly-pedia strikes again! As I was saying. The neighbors are real country, and we live out in the county, not in the city. And the neighbors, they have this big gun rifle thingy that Mom says is called a muzzleloader. Now, Mom doesn't nose ifn these neighbor beans use the muzzle loader fur pheasant season cause they just wants to, or whether it's like a special type of hunting season where they has to use old anteeky kinda gun thingys.

Emily: I's glad there isn't no hunting season fur us cats! All seasons are hunting seasons fur us! Be deese beans, day do hab special times when they has to hunt only certain ways. So anyways whateber da reason be, deese beans, like fur a week before da peasant season starts, they does target practice in dar back yard, which is only two yards away from us!

Harry: And that nasty muzzleloader gun sounds like a canon going off! It's so loud it just bout shakes the whole house, and it's sceerier then even thunder boomers, cause at least with thunder boomers yous nose that they will go away, but with this ole nasty gun, yous don't never nose when they's gonna quit. I tell yous, I was so sceered, I most had a heart attacker! I hided in the bushes as far and far way from that nasty gun that I could. Mom and Girlfriend called me bunches of times, but I was too sceered to move even! But then finally in between the booming, Mom called again and I ran like my tail was on fire and jumped up on the porch quick as lightening and run into the house and then I had to eat to soothe my nerves. And Girlfriend and Mom, they baby-talked and petted me and hugged me, but I just couldn't stay still, cause the booming didn't stop all all day, not atall!

Emily: I weren't datsceered, but ebery time dat boom went off I jumped. It were hard to eben get a Yum-yum swallowed before that nasty gunny thing boomed agin!

Chester: The reason, you see, that the booms had pauses between them is that it takes a while to reload a muzzleloader. They only have one shot, then they have to stuff stuff down into the long nose of the rifle, called the muzzle, and get everything all just right before they can shoot again.

Emily: Not dat it would be no better ifn da booms come right after noder!

Harry: Well, yeah, maybe, but the way it is, yous are always thinking that it's gonna stop, and then it booms again! It's just no way to treat a kitty atall. Or any beans that have to listen either, fur that matter. Mom was purrty calm, cause it do happen every year at this time of year, but Girlfriend, she was all upset and cussing them rednecks up and down by afternoon! Cept of course when she was baby-talking to me

Emily: Well, day boomed all all day dat day, an then da next day, day didn't boom atall. So as we thought we was safe. But then the day after that, they boomed again. But only three times. I was really glad ub dat, but cept I were waitin a long long time fur da next boom.

Harry: I was too. I was sure they were going to boom all day again, but lucky fur us they didn't. Maybe some bean complained or something. I'm just glad there's not been any booming the last couple days.

Chester: Mom kept saying she would complain, call to policeman people, but cause we live in the county there isn't any law against target practicing in your backyard! I think that's just silly!

Emily: I think it be turrible! Dat shouldn't be louded no way no how!

Harry: I gree. It took me all of the quiet day to get over the booming, and then they had to start again. But anyway, the booming is stopped fur now, and hopefully the redneck neighbors will take that nasty gun out to the deep woods to do their shooting.

Emily: An bring us back a peasant boidie! Well, it's only fair!

Chester: I'll tell you what I'm going to do. By next year, I'll be much much bigger, and I'll go and scare those noisy neighbors and make them stop shooting that nasty gun. And maybe I'll even be able to breathe fire by then, and then I'll melt that gun with just one breath and then those neighbors won't ever be able to shoot that awful muzzle loader gun again!

Harry: Hooray, Chester! That's a great idea!

Emily: Yeah, Chester! Oh my oh my! I's almost can't wait fur next year's peasant season! Mweheehee!!

Cat Chat 9-22-99
The Secret Bedroom

Harry: We've been studying real hard on the Secret Bedroom what Mom and Girlfriend have set up in our back room.

Emily: We nose dat dar be a bedroom dar fur sure now. Da problem is to be getting to it! Like we told yous, I tink, day hab dis barrier up acrost da door . Dat is, when da door be open atall! It be one ub dem tables what grows legs dat Mom uses fur when her guitar beans comes ober.

Chester: I've been able to get in because I can fly over the table. There's a bed in there for sure, all soft and comfortable. Mom and Girlfriend don't know I've been in there because I never fly in when they're looking. There's a desk too, and a bed table, and all sorts of other stuff.

Harry: I've tried to run into the room, but that table thingy is there, and so I just stop short and pretend I really meant to go in the litterhouse room anyways.  Emily: I gots in a couple times. Oncet Girlfriend left da table not up ober da door, and I run in real fast like, and hide under da bed. But Girlfriend, she chaseded me out! I were mad, I tell yous what. But den, so, see, I jumped up gainst da table thing, an I knocked it down nuff fur so I could get ober it, an I hide under da bed again! But then, oh, dis were so bad!! Mom comed in wid dis stick thingy, and she chaseded me out from da bed and told me I was bad! I tell yous, I were mad like a hornet. I was aflippin an floppin my tail all round to let Mom an Girlfriend nose jus how mad I were. But day didn't pay no tention atall. Day jus closed dat door! Mean ole beans!

Harry: It's just not right that they won't let us into that room to get on the bed. How can that bed be comfortable without cat hair all over it? Anyways, it's our house!

Emily: Dat's right! Eberyting in dis house be ours! But Mom and Girlfriend, day jus being mean, keepin dis room all to darselfs.

Chester: It's not really all to themselves. It's Girlfriend's room. And it's you cats' fault that they did this.

Emily: Is not! How could it be our faults? We didn't do nuthin!

Harry: Emily's right. We didn't do a thing to make Girlfriend make her secret bedroom!

Chester: You did too. Harry, you meowed and meowed all night long and kept Girlfriend awake...

Harry: I just was talking to her! We have lots to talk bout you nose!

Chester: Not in the middle of the night. Humans like to be able to sleep at night you know. Not listen to cats with big mouths! Heehee!

Harry: I do not have a big mouth!

Emily: You does too! Harry da Big Mouf! Mweheehee. We tol yous dat dar would be trouble ifn yous didn't shut up. But Chester, I bin real real quiet an good, so as dis can't be my fault!

Chester: It wasn't your mouth that made Girlfriend make her own bedroom. It was you jumping on her stomach and pinning down her legs!

Emily: But she likes dat! All beans likes to hab kitties on top ub dem whilst day sleepin. It be day best ways to gets a good sleep, I meow!

Chester: Girlfriend doesn't think so. She wants peace and quite and not to be pinned down.

Harry: Now, wait a minute here! I member something here, and it proves it's not our fault that Girlfriend has a Secret Bedroom. Mom snores! Member us talking bout that? That's why Girlfriend moved to the back room!

Chester: Well...that's probably part of it too. But if you cats had left her alone, Girlfriend would probably be sleeping in Mom's' bed, and you'd still have your back room. You know that Girlfriend takes a nap with Mom every day. You cats are usually outside then, or at least one of you always is. And if you are inside, you're asleep too. And so if Girlfriend can sleep with Mom when you aren't inside or being noisy, then it has to be your faults that Girlfriend sleeps in the Secret Bedroom at night! So there!

Emily: Yous just mean Chester, dat's all! I bet yous talked Girlfriend into habin dat Secret Bedroom so as you could sleep wid her at night!

Chester: Don't be silly! You know she closes the door at night! I can't fly through the door!

Emily: How does we nose dat? Yous be a magic dragon. Maybe yous can fly tru doors an jus aren't tellin us!

Chester: If I could fly though doors, don't you think I'd be going into the pantry and getting the chocolate?

Harry: He's got a point. We'd nose ifn he'd gotten into the chocolate, cause he gets it all over his face.

Emily: Well, yeah, yous right bout dat. But he's bein mean to us just like Mom and Girlfriend.

Chester: I'm typing this column for you, aren't I?

Emily: That's jus so as yous can make funs ub us. Humph!

Chester: No it's not. I'm just stating facts. Humph right back at you!

Harry: The thing is, it doesn't matter who's fault it is that Girlfriend and Mom are keeping us out from the Secret Bedroom. The thing is, how do we get in there alla time?

Emily: Ifn we gets in, they'll jus chase us out again like they done me.

Harry: Yeah, but how many times can they do that before they give up? Member, we weren't sposed to get on the counters, either, but Mom finally gave up yelling at us for jumping up there. We just have to figure out how to get over that table thingy and then wear them down is all.

Emily: Well, I knocked it down oncet. I can knock it down agin. But I don't likes it when Mom yells at me.

Harry: So, you knock down the table, and I'll go in and get on the bed.

Chester: They're just going to find a better way to block the door if you cats do that.

Harry: Maybe, maybe not. And ifn they do, well, we'll just find a way to get over that too.

Emily: I tink that might jus work. We specially oughta get in dar when Mom and Girlfriend is outta da house. Den we can gets our cat scent all ober da Secret Bedroom and den it will be ourn!

Harry: Chester can help us too. He's getting bigger alla time. He can get the thing offen the door fur us soon, I bet!

Chester: Why should I help you cats? Don't even try to tell me there's chocolate in there. I've already checked. No, I'll fly in and check the Secret Bedroom out, but I'm not helping you two get us all in trouble!

Harry: Then we'll just work on it ourselves.

Emily: Yeah! An ifn we does find chocolate in dar, we isn't going to tell yous! Come on Harry. We's gots straty-gees to plans.

Chester: That's just fine with me. I've got my own strategies to plan. I'm working on turning the pantry doorknob.

Emily: Doorknob? We forgots about doorknobs. We can't get into da Secret Bedroom when da door be closeded unless Someone turns da doorknob.

Harry: Don't worry. We'll get Chester to help us once he can turn doorknobs. I'll think of something. Fur now, we just knock down the table til Mom and Girlfriend gets tired of putting it back up.

Emily: OK, Harry. You tink, an I'll do da knockin! Heehee!

Cat Chat is © 1999 - 2008, 2009 Ariel, Emily, Harry, and Chester the Dragon. All rights reserved. This column may not be reprinted in part or whole without permission from Ariel

The Mountains of Ao
Tears from Ao and two poetry collections, Pages of Life and Visions of Life, are available electronically at http://RunesofAo.com/aobp/. The Runes of Ao project, the novel The Mountains of Ao [editing chapter 11 and starting chapter 12 of 22,] and a new poetry collection titled Moments of Life are in progress.

The Dull Stuff
The online journal contains extra content. The printed version is limited to three pages to keep printing costs down. Inputs and letters to this journal are subject to approval by Ebony and Abby. Submittals may be edited for content and become the property of:

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